Running out of time: The truth about Santa and egg nog

10. Santa Claus

He lives in a magic land with toys and rides surrounded by short people. Sound familiar? No it's not Michael Jackson, I'm talking about Santa.

Like Michael Jackson - Santa is a pedophile. The funny part is parents still take their kids to go sit on the old pervert's lap. That's not half melted candy cane on his trousers.

Now I know the mall santa's aren't the real thing -- so don't come at me like that. But the mall Santa's are living out the reality of a sick fantasy.

It starts out like this.



and at the end you get --

09. Egg Nog

There's a reason why you sprinkle a spice with "nut" in the name on top of it.

If you look up the word Bukkake in the thesaurus: egg nog is listed.

If you want to make this disgusting holiday treat at home for others -- drink whipped cream, corn syrup and vanilla -- then hock a luggie -- sprinkle liberally with nutmeg.

Fucking disgusting.

Christmas Trees: Christian tradition or Symbol of phallic aggression?

11. Christmas trees

I told someone the other day that I don't like Christmas trees and they looked at me like I just rabbit punched an infant. But they couldn't tell me why putting a tree in your house is an important part of Christmas. They just said "it's tradition".

I never got the point of trudging out to a tree lot (the woods if you're manly), standing there for hours in the freezing cold looking for the perfect specimen. Its like Hannibal Lecter at an outdoor shopping mall in the winter.

People who know me don't mistake me for a tree hugger -- but this I truly believe.




As for Christmas tree lots -- they're usually staffed by people who work as carnies during the summer. They prey on people's overwhelming holiday spirit overcharging for a piece of dead wood. So after you shell out 60 clams they hand you a receipt and a mini candy cane. Its ironic they're handing out candy to suckers.

My last point is -- the fucking things are fire hazards! This would be cheaper.

1st Episode: 12 Hates of Christmas

Now many of my friends and family (especially my wife) knows I hate Christmas.

Not the holiday per se, but the bullshit involved with it.

People ask me why do I hate such a wonderful holiday. So here it is -- my 12 Hates of Christmas.

These will be listed in no particular order since I despise their existence equally for the most part.

12. Christmas Music

I don't despise all Christmas music -- the traditional stuff is pretty good - but as for the contemporary stuff -- I'd rather gag myself with a fucking reindeer schlong than listen to a bunch of songs again.

Here is a short list of songs and why they suck.

"Santa Baby" - Who the fuck comes up with this shit, I didn't realize Christmas was valentines day. Besides having a stupid context (some slut with a santa fetish) it's got an annoying ass melody and is sang by a Betty Boop Wannabe. That singing style doesn't make you metropolitan -- it makes you dumb.

"So this is Christmas" - sung by the legendary John Lennon. This could be the true reason Mark David Chapman opened fire. I's shoot him too if I saw Lennon go from "I am the Walrus" to sappy ass Christmas music. The song is sickly sweet. It was made in 1971 as a protest song to the Vietnam war and was produced by Phil Spector. Yes the same Phil Spector who allegedly helped failed actress Lana Clarkson blow her brains out.

"White Christmas" "Winter Wonderland" "Jingle Bells" "Rudolph the Red Rosed Reindeer"- these were probably great the first 50-times I've heard them.

Tomorrow the series Continues with Christmas trees.

Colt Brennan Got Hosed

They gave the Heisman to Tim Tebow?

Fuck.

It just goes to show that if you don't play in a big conference you're going to get burned.

Christmas Posts Update

I fucking lied - so sue me.


Seriously I'll probably drop my first hates of Christmas post tonight so I don't run out of time before the evil holiday.

Stay tuned.

10 Video games I'm hoping to get

I want to thank the National Institute for Media and Family for making out my Christmas list for me.

In their crusade against violent video games these techno-quakers developed a list of 10-games they say parents should avoid buying their children this Christmas.

I say fucking awesome.

So to my wife - here is the list of the hottest games this year --

• Assassin's Creed
  
• Call of Duty 4: Modern Warefare
  
• Conan
  
• The Darkness
  
• Clive Barker's Jericho
  
• Kane & Lynch: Dead Men
  
• Manhunt 2
  
• Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
  
• John Woo Presents Stranglehold
  
• Timeshift

The people who put out the list won't stop until all violent video games are taken off the market.

Believe it. Heres a quote from the report NIMF that group put out.

"Simply put, some of the hard-won progress seen in previous years has been lost, and now, too many children are spending too much time playing inappropriate video games that can harm their health and development."

This group of assholes are the same kind of people that push for the banning and burning of books.

So thanks again for giving me a list of games to show to my wife morons.

12 Hates of Christmas

Today or tomorrow I will start with my 12 Hates of Christmas series.

Why?

Because I hate Christmas.